A Thought.

I must have squandered away my enthusiasm in the first two days of class, because I just feel wretched today. But I don't have a reason to. Compared to other people, I really should count myself as lucky to be where I am now. But the "normalcy" (read: blandness) of IPG life just gets me down sometimes.

I guess that means I still haven't grown up much since my Primary School years.

Back in the day, I was an avid fan of Harry Potter. My friends from school didn't care much for the novels, though I'm sure they saw some of the movies. But I still didn't have anyone else to share my passion with but with myself. So I did. Secretly, without telling even my closest friends, I imagined that I was studying in Hogswarts, pretending my teachers to be those from the novels. I had a Science teacher that was almost exactly like Severus Snape: he was strict and uncompromising when it comes to schoolwork, but deep down he has a great heart. Of course, I didn't know that Snape was a good guy then ("The Order of the Phoenix" was still one year away at the time), so I drew the similarities between them based solely on how they seem to enjoy seeing their students squirm. :P

What I'm trying to say is that even then, all those years ago, I was letting my imagination live for me. I'd spend hours after school hours (my mum was the headmistress there and had meetings after school, so I had to stay back with her) exploring every nook and cranny in the school grounds. I knew about the hidden storeroom behind the Year 6 classrooms, a place filled with junks, antiques and trophies abandoned by who knows who ages ago. I've braved the "haunted" passageway behind the school hall (so called because it bordered a spooky-looking palm oil plantation) countless times, scurrying along it with my ears pricked for the faintest sounds of anything "unnatural". I spent afternoons combing the grounds for secret passageways, even though I knew there were none. I even interviewed my friends and seniors for anything "strange" or "out of the ordinary" that were worth investigating during my private scouting hours. The school grounds were a treasure trove filled with little details that piqued and stimulated my imagination, and I would explore every corner of it like Indiano Jones explores a lost Mayan temple.

By now it should be clear that even as a child (or maybe because I was a child), I refused to see the world for what it was. Reality was boring, and still is. My imaginations (or daydreams, honestly speaking) allowed me to escape to a place where possibilities were endless. In that time, and at that age, I suppose there was no harm to live in daydreams everyday. But sometimes, I wonder if I have truly left those daydreams behind when I left school, or am I still lost in them, trying in vain to find a way out?

There are times when I wonder about my worth in the world. Even if I were to one day disappear off the face of the earth, nothing would have changed. The world would move on, lives would continue. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm troubled by my own insignificance in the grand scheme of things that happen in the world, and I use those daydreams or delusions of grandeur to distract myself from the fact that I'm no more important than the next man.

Sometimes I envy the comic superheroes that I idolize. They have powers and abilities that make them stand out in a world full of 'normal' people. They could make a difference. Captain America is the idealistic warrior fighting the unjust and the corrupt. Tony Stark makes the world a better place with his Arc Reactor alternate energy source. Compared to them, I'm almost nothing. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

No, my point isn't that I'm envious of people that don't even exist. What I'm trying to say is that reality is harsh. Reality is unforgiving, and most importantly, reality doesn't give a s**t about what you want. I think that's what sent me on my Hogswarts fantasy all those years ago. It may even be why I have never really left those fantasies, despite what I tell myself. Dreams are always easier than life.

That's not a lament. It's even a complaint. It's a fact.